The maid of honor just puked.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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