this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
