6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Randomize
