listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
