Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
