i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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