Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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