i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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