So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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