I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
