i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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