You just made me feel so damn special
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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