I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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