I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
