he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have aggressive nipples.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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