I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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