in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
