Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize