So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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