I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
