Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
