Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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