I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
