I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
