i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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