How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
