he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize