These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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