no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
