I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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