Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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