final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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