Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
