He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
