Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
