i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize