My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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