I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
