So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize