My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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