Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
