I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
