Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize