I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
