she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
