last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
3pm strippers are depressing
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
