update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
