That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
