I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
