I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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