My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
