You're a womanizer and a bitch.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
