dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
