Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
