I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
