My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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