I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
