I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
