So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
