my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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