Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
