I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
