We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize