barbara walters just said penis...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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