I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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