After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
