I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
