p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You smell like stripper and shame
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
